You don’t want to be a writer. I certainly don’t.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m a blind dog, rummaging around for scraps in places I cannot see. I fumble with my writing, with my marketing, trying desperately to make a mark, to find a place.
I feel nauseous when I make a mistake or accidentally offend someone. In the past when I have made mistakes, I immediately withdraw. When I put myself out there once before, I made a mistake that could have cost me thousands in legal fees. Thankfully, I got away with a scolding. But I didn’t move on. I took that scolding and turned it into shame. I took what could have been an opportunity to get better and I shut myself off entirely.
When Learning Makes You Vulnerable
I’ve always said that my favorite thing to do is to learn. But that’s a lie.
True learning happens outside of your comfort zone. It happens when you fail–when you dare greatly and step into that arena to be knocked down and get back up again.
Learning does not happen in a cushy, dark room in solitude. Sure, acquiring knowledge can. But as a teacher, I know that’s not real learning.
Learning to Be a Writer
Right now, I have passion for what I do, but no real training, and no solid plan. My current plan is only a laundry list of tasks that I hope might bring me success.
Blogging is chaos. It’s a lot messier than even my first profession: teaching. I don’t thrive in chaos. It is messy and difficult; it leaves muddy footprints and tangled webs. I like order, simplicity.
And yet I must push through. I must turn my blogging world into something neat and tidy. I strive to understand, to write better, to communicate, to reach people.
This choice is far more challenging than I thought it would be.
Being a writer is the most difficult thing I’ve chosen to do. I don’t want to be a writer. You don’t want to be a writer.
Put love out there
But I must. I do it because my soul commands. Perhaps my brain loathes its chaos. But my soul loves the words.
Writing is the path I can follow to contentment. It soothes my aching from all the terrible things I hear and see every day. It lets me tell good stories. Writing allows me to put love into the world.
You don’t want to be a writer… or do you?
And so while I’m sure of my need to write, I also need to put order to my writing world. That is my struggle right now. I may not post for a week or so, but know that I’ll have tons of great new posts for you when I return! Cheers!
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