Until 4 weeks ago, I hadn’t logged onto my blog in 13 months, let alone written anything.
It’s been lonely. And debilitating.
Bits and pieces of my site were expired when I got back, and I had over 700 comments to sort through.
You may not resonate with the part about my blog, but perhaps you resonate with feeling so caged by your own mind that you can’t find joy in anything.
As my first step back into posting regularly on my blog, I want to explore the connection between depression and lack of interest (anhedonia), and fear.
*Disclaimer: I am human. I write from the heart and from experience: not to suit any algorithm or perfectly curated feed. I have chosen to continue to write a blog in the days of Reddit and Substack because it means that I OWN my articles and ability to finance my writing. I am in the process of removing all affiliate links from my site and minimizing ads so that you may focus on the article itself. Enjoy!
What’s Anhedonia?
First, let’s clarify some things. Anhedonia isn’t a word that gets thrown around a lot. If you’ve been diagnosed with depression, you may be familiar with it, but many won’t.
I wasn’t until I researched “lack of interest or joy in anything” that I found out what it was.
So anhedonia is defined as a “diminished capacity to experience pleasure.” It’s distinctly linked with depression, which is described more as “numbness” than just simply feeling “very sad.”
The Connection Between Depression and Lack of Interest
Again, please know that I am NOT a medical professional. Although I didn’t have an official diagnosis, my therapist mentioned a likelihood of “mild depression.” When I speak about these issues, it’s from personal experience. I hope that anyone who needs to know they’re not alone can relate to my words, but please do not consider this advice.
As you may have already deduced, depression, which is often described as feeling numb, is very linked with anhedonia or lack of pleasure.
Anything that may have brought you joy in the past is suddenly uninteresting or unappealing. It doesn’t hold the same positive experience that it previously did.
How Fear Impacted My Depression
In my life, fear and anhedonia go hand in hand.
But before I talk about that, let’s take a step back. I’ve spoken before about stress response and how it impacts things from how we judge others to our confidence.
According to Kimberly Ann Johnson, somatic healer and author of Call of the Wild, there are four different types of stress response–1) fight, 2) flight, 3) freeze, 4) fawn. (Not just fight or flight as previously thought.)
I view anhedonia as a type of prolonged “freeze” response. (The science exists to back that up, although it’s very technical.) Something in your life is so stressful that your system freezes up, and you are unable to get out of that frozen, locked state.
So… what was I afraid of?
Simple.
I was afraid of Trump and fascism.
I was. I’m not proud of it, but I was obsessed with the news, with supporting Kamala Harris for president, and with avoiding another Trump term.
The entire last election season, from March of last year through November, I was frozen with fear. I was waiting on baited breath to see what happened.
That depression and lack of interest was directly linked the fear that I was experiencing over my world. I brought children into this world! I have a vested interest in making sure that I leave the world a better place for my children than I had when I grew up.
(If you want to read more about that, I wrote about why I went no contact with some family members over politics back in 2020.)
My worst fear came true
And my worst fear happened. In November… well, we all know how the election turned out.
And suddenly, I was unfrozen. I was no longer consumed by this depression and lack of interest. Because when you’re consumed by fear and that thing happens, then suddenly you have to act. You have to decide what’s important, what’s your top priority in life.
Here’s the thing: I didn’t even realized just how afraid I had become until that happened. I had no awareness that I was feeling fearful or that I was panicked over the future.
My worst fear happening is the exact thing that freed me from the cage of my mind.
6 Questions To Ask Yourself to Determine if Your Fear and Anhedonia Are Linked
These are a few questions I asked myself that helped me clarify some of these issues that were happening in my life. Use them to journal or to talk through with your therapist.
1. Would I say I feel “stuck”?
You can’t move forward until you admit where you are. If you’re feeling stuck, admitting that is the first step.
There might be something you’re fearing happening and it’s preventing you from living your life, just by saying you feel “stuck.”
2. Can I imagine the path in front of me, or do next steps feel murky?
For me, the path forward felt very dark. There were many options of where I could go and how I could proceed, but they all felt scary, or inauthentic, or just simply icky.
If you’re steeped in depression and lack of interest, struggling to make a decision over where to go from here can feel like endgame. The fear is debilitating, paralyzing.
3. Does everything I try result in greater doubt in myself?
If you’re doubting yourself and your ability to make decisions, then you might be subconsciously consumed with fear.
4. Am I paralyzed by making the “wrong choice”?
Fear focuses on everything that’s wrong. Everything that you don’t want to happen.
So the thought of choosing the wrong path forward can be just as terrifying, if not more, as that thing happening that’s out of your control.
5. Does it seem like everyone around me is making progress without issue?
I’m not a big advocate for comparison, but sometimes it can be helpful to look at how other people with similar ideologies are handling the world around them.
Are these people able to take steps toward their dreams? Are they frozen with indecision?
Talk to these people and see if you notice any similarities. Besides, community is one of the main ways we can not only get ourselves out of these fears, but strength and trust in community can also be a powerful fight against fascism.
6. What am I afraid of?
Finally, start to take a look at things you’re obsessing over, or things that haunt you before you fall asleep at night.
The fears that you’re experiencing might seem innocuous at first glance, but may have much deeper roots than you realize.
Naming those things you fear takes away the power from them.
6 Ways to Start to Pick Up the Pieces
1. Wait.
Sometimes when you’re frozen with fear, depression, and lack of interest, it just means that you need a breather.
Take some time, not to avoid the situation, but to defuse any major conflict or tension in your life and to give yourself a break.
You don’t need to progress forward before you know where you’re going. So allow yourself this time to rest.
2. Examine the steps forward.
Think about your options. What kinds of actions can you take? What is in your control right now? Fear and lack of interest can make you feel like you have no control over anything, but don’t listen to it. It’s not true!
You don’t even have to make a decision right now. Just think about how you can proceed without putting any pressure on yourself to make a choice.
3. Test the waters.
Put yourself in situations where you can examine what each of your potential paths forward would feel like.
You may realize that one of those paths feels more empowering than the others. One may feel numbing. One may feel scary. (And to be honest, one might feel both empowering AND scary!)
How do you want to feel in the future? Again, don’t put any pressure on yourself to feel that way yet, just explore it!
4. Get in touch with your thoughts, feelings, and instincts on a regular basis.
Now that you have an idea of how those choices might make you feel, stay in touch with your head, heart, and gut.
Your head is the logical part of you. It’s reason. Your intellect has a lot of things to tell you, but it’s also the most likely to be an inauthentic representation of yourself, because it houses all of the cultural conditioning you’ve been exposed to all your life!
Your heart is your feelings. Feelings can be confusing, so make sure you name what you’re feeling and examine them deeply.
Your gut is your primal instincts, but it exists beyond fear. Past the “fear” in your instincts is the authentic “you” that tells you exactly what vibes with you, and what your soul’s path might be (if you believe in that stuff).
5. Look out for things that want to help you make progress.
After being in touch with your thoughts, emotions, and gut instincts for a while, you might start to notice things in your outer world that are tools you can use in making progress.
After my worst fear happened, I had a series of random successes that empowered me to get back on my blog. Suddenly, I was writing again and knew exactly what to do.
6. Make necessary steps when you’re ready.
I found that when I was ready to move forward, my depression and lack of interest had subsided. My fear was still there, but I could act in spite of it again.
I started to make plans again. I started to set goals again. I knew what I wanted and what my priorities were.
Everything is a process though, so make sure you give yourself time and space as you start to pick up the pieces.
Conclusion
Here’s what I learned. If you’re struggling with depression and a lack of interest, examine your worst fears.
I know it can feel debilitating and really hard to do, but if you really examine those questions above, I think it might help to “unstick” you before the worst happens so you can take action in advance.
Because if you’re waiting for something bad to happen, for that last shoe to drop, you’re not making progress.
There is NOTHING I could have done to prevent my worst fears from coming true. I voted, and that is as far as my personal power extends in that regard.
But I could have continued to write, to speak out, to express my thoughts and feelings and concerns. I could have connected with others who feel the same way I do.
And that, I think, could have made all the difference.
The world is full of connections waiting to happen. But we have to have the momentum to move toward them!
