How to Find Your Soulmate in Life!
Don’t we all want to find that one person who brings us joy and helps quell our sorrows? I think probably most people want that in life.
How many people out there have heard any of the following:
- “There’s someone out there who’s perfect for you, you just need to find them.”
- “Good riddance, that person wasn’t right for you. His leaving has opened you up to finding the right one.”
- “Everyone has a soul mate.”
Unfortunately, in our society, we grow up thinking we have a right to have this kind of joy and connection. We’re ENTITLED to a Cinderella romance complete with a prince who pursues you. It’s just THERE for the taking.
(You probably aren’t going to like this…)
Sorry, but we aren’t entitled to anything of the nature. If you want to learn how to find your soulmate in life, there are a few things you need to understand.
Real Soul Mates
True soul mates are people who have worked on themselves and their relationship each and every day of their life. After all, a relationship is exactly 50/50, and guess which 50% you have control over?
I first met the one when I was married to someone else. After two years cleaning up my act and leaving a toxic work environment, I did not realize that my home environment was toxic as well. I had worked on my communication skills, tried hard to compromise, found a good system of organization, managed my time well.
And I was insanely frustrated by how my then-husband and I never seemed to be on the same page in life. I was ready for kids, for adventure, for a house, for more furry, four-legged children to add love to my home. He was ready for none of it, he had only had a steady income for 2 years (out of the 6 years we had been together after college) and was unemployed at the time.
So when I met Phil, we were just friends for a long time. We grew closer and I felt that he was truly someone that I could trust and confide in. He was patient and understanding. He was exactly where I was in life, and wanted the same things, which absolutely SHOCKED me! It made me realize that I truly had been settling when I married my first husband–there WERE indeed men out there who shared all the same values and desires in life that I did. I realized I didn’t have to settle.
I had filed for divorce from my first husband, but I was not ready to dive headfirst into a new relationship. Honestly, then I didn’t even know if Phil wanted a relationship. I didn’t know if I was his type.
It wasn’t until a few months later that we started to see each other romantically. He was patient… he was confident, make no mistake, but he respected my space after my divorce. When we took a road trip together four months after we had been together, I was absolutely sure that he was “the one” (and he was sure too!)
It wasn’t love at first sight. He didn’t treat me like royalty and he didn’t sweep me off my feet….
Because of his kindness, caring, dedication, and genuineness he kept my feet firmly planted next to his. I felt anchored, not blown away. Really, I was truly anchored for the first time in my life.
We treated each other with compassion and respect, with passion and with caring.
We stepped into love simultaneously and we saw, and continue to see each other as equals.
A Balanced Relationship
I’m sorry to say that our love story would not make a good movie!
Phil and I have been together for six years, married for 3. I’m proud of our relationship. We’ve never fought. Not once. Sure, there have been times we’ve been angry at each other, or inadvertently done things to hurt the other person. We have expressed frustrations, especially after the kids came along.
But we have learned how to communicate with each other very well. We’re flexible with our expectations and work toward increasing each other’s happiness.
I’m his editor when he needs to draft an email or grad school application. He’s my rock when I’m feeling emotional. I make plans and spice up his life, and when I get too carried away with projects, he is the anchor that brings me back down to earth. We’re a good balance.
None of this would be possible if we both feared abandonment, or if we hadn’t developed patience, compassion, and communication skills.
The key was that we had both taken time to work on OURSELVES.
The Role of Media
This has bothered me for a very long time. In the traditional romantic comedy, there is a couple who are clearly destined to be together, but something gets in their way. Ultimately, of course, they overcome that obstacle to get together in the end. It makes people think how to find your soulmate in life should just happen and should be a whirlwind.
But here’s the issues with why rom-com romance doesn’t work for long-term “soul mate” material in real life.
Characters have to have flaws. So do real people, of course, but characters have one or two MASSIVE-sized flaws. It makes for a good story. Reality is not so black and white. Real people have lots of flaws to varying degrees. These character flaws may or may not get resolved by the end of the movie, but if the character continues their relationship without thoroughly examining and working on their flaw, it will likely continue to cause relationships in the future for them, which brings me to my next point.
Where does it all end?
Stories have distinct beginnings, middles and ends. For our lives, the end happens when we pass away. Sure there are other important markers throughout our lives, but nothing signifies an end like riding off into the sunset together with a sappy song playing. Get real folks! The story doesn’t end when you overcome the obstacle! There will just be another one down the road!
Opposites don’t usually attract in real life.
If I were in a romantic comedy, I would probably be paired with someone who was shallow, cocky, charming and rude. And extroverted (shoot me now… hey, I actually dated someone like that once!). And the writers would have a fun time making the two of us work things out so we would end up together.
But the truth is, LIFE SHOULDN’T BE THAT DIFFICULT.
I think when you are meant to be with someone, it should be easy! But it’s easy being with them because you have the skills to communicate and you’re alike enough to know what works best when you communicate with that person.
How to Find Your Soul Mate in Life
So here’s my question. Don’t you want your relationship to be easy? Do you want the other person to complement you, not be like oil and water? You deserve for things to be simple.
Yet, relationships take time, patience, dedication, compromise, communication, and balance. If you aren’t willing to take the time NOW to figure those things out, then what will that mean to the person you want to spend your life with?
Here are the traits you need to find your soulmate in life:
First, you absolutely need to know who you are. You need to know your triggers and flaws. There are things that will set you off, and if you expect your significant other not to trip any wires, then hopefully, you’ll know about them and be able to communicate.
Conversely, you need to know what you want in life. What are the good things that you expect? Do you want kids? Are you the kind of person who wants to travel or move around the country? How do you want to live?
Knowing yourself can help the other person get to know you too.
Objectivity and Insight
There is a certain level of objectivity a person needs to be in a committed, long-term relationship. Being explosive or blowing things out of proportion can be seriously detrimental to the health of a relationship.
When you’re objective, you take a step back before reacting. You can look at a situation and try to understand the big question: “why?” Why is my significant other acting this way?
And to answer that question, you need a little bit of insight. Understanding yourself through authenticity can help you understand the behaviors and motivations of others. In Buddhism, understanding and love basically mean the same thing. When you can understand someone, you can love them.
Humans are flawed. Life is unpredictable. You might understand yourself and you might understand your significant other, but when events happen or tragedy strikes, you may not know yourself or them anymore. You never know how you (or SO) might react when confronted with an impactful event, either positive or negative.
If you think you know what to expect from that person or from your relationship, keep a healthy amount of flexibility in place for these events.
As much as I would like to stay that my life is 100% stable, the fact is that I’ve had at least five major, life changing events in the last 6 years, including my miscarriage, two children, and two job changes. Those events, four of them planned, rocked my world in a variety of ways.
Be patient with yourself and with your significant other.
Dedication to Happiness
First, you need to dedicate yourself to your own happiness. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup. When you’re dedicated to your own happiness first, you don’t need to rely on another person to fulfill that happiness in you.
You can stand on your own but walk together with your significant other through life.
After dedicating yourself to your own happiness, then and only then, should you dedicate yourself to the other person’s happiness. I’m the kind of person who fails to set up boundaries, and it has led to a lot of toxicity in my life. Fulfill your happiness first, then the other person’s.
Conversely, if you ignore your significant other’s happiness altogether, it will lead to broken promises and a lot of pain.
It’s a balancing act.
When learning how to find your soulmate in life, my answer is to give up society’s foolish expectations and rules. Learn about yourself and learn what you need for a successful relationship. Hopefully your partner will have done the same. And if your partner hasn’t… teach them by being the example they need! Be their soulmate so that they can be yours!