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7 Steps to Find Your Soulmate for LIFE!

Don’t we all want to find that one person who brings us joy and helps quell our sorrows? I think probably most people want to find a soulmate in life.

How many people out there have heard any of the following:

  • “There’s someone out there who’s perfect for you, you just need to find them.”
  • “Good riddance, that person wasn’t right for you. Now you can find the one for you.”
  • “Everyone has a soul mate.”

Unfortunately, in our society, we grow up thinking we have a right to have this kind of joy and connection. We’re ENTITLED to a Cinderella romance complete with a prince who pursues you. It’s just THERE for the taking.

Finding your soulmate IS possible!

BUT we aren’t just entitled to it.

It takes a lot of hard work and self-reflection to find your soulmate. Are you willing to put in the time and effort to find your true soulmate?

A couple laughing and enjoying each other because they know how to find your soulmate

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How to Find Your Soulmate in Life!

The basic steps you need to find your soulmate are:

  1. Adopt healthy qualities and practices
  2. Be content to be single
  3. Be rooted in abundance
  4. Make changes in your life to widen your scope of people you meet
  5. Keep an open mind
  6. Know when you’ve found someone who could be “the one”
  7. Develop healthy relationship habits and keep your soulmate with you for life

So let’s go understand a little more about finding your soulmate!

What is a soulmate?

A soulmate someone who you have an effortless connection with. They understand you, love you, and are there to walk with you through life, side by side.

Having said that, there are a few more distinctions we need to make. We’ll get there at the end of the article (Signs you’ve found your soul mate) so first, let’s read a personal story, things to avoid, and list some steps that YOU can take to find your own soulmate.

Finding My Soulmate

My story of finding my soulmate is very similar to many other stories out there. I’ll share my story, and then we can glean some of the highlights on how to meet your soulmate.

I worked on myself first

I first met the one when I was married to someone else. After two years cleaning up my act and leaving a toxic work environment, I did not realize that my home environment was toxic as well. I had worked on my communication skills, tried hard to compromise, found a good system of organization, managed my time well. 

And I was insanely frustrated by how my then-husband and I never seemed to be on the same page in life. I was ready for kids, for adventure, for a house, for more furry, four-legged children to add love to my home. He was ready for none of it, he had only had a steady income for 2 years (out of the 6 years we had been together after college) and was unemployed at the time.

I changed my surroundings & kept an open mind

But I pushed for change and we moved to a different state for a new job.

So when I met my new coworker, Phil, we were just friends for a long time. In fact, he was not someone I would have considered dating for most of my life. (We joke that he checked off EVERYTHING on my “NO” list: he is a percussionist/drummer, sang tenor, and was a music major/band director.)

We wanted the same things

As Phil and I grew closer and I felt that he was truly someone that I could trust and confide in. He was patient and understanding. He was exactly where I was in life, and wanted the same things, which absolutely SHOCKED me! It made me realize that I truly had been settling when I married my first husband–there WERE indeed men out there who shared all the same values and desires in life that I did.

I was content being single

I had filed for divorce from my first husband, but I was not ready to dive headfirst into a new relationship. Even though I ultimately wanted a relationship, I knew that I would truly be content to be single for a while. And I knew that if it didn’t work out with Phil, that I would ultimately be much happier than I had been in my first marriage.

I just “knew”

My soulmate and I, with our two young boys. Photo by Joe Craven, Cox Arboretum, Dayton Ohio, June 2020.
Photo credit: Joe Craven, Dayton, OH

It wasn’t until a few months later that Phil and I started to see each other romantically. He was patient… he was confident, make no mistake, but he respected my space after my divorce. When we took a road trip together four months after we had been together, I was absolutely sure that he was “the one” (and he was sure too!)

Because of his kindness, caring, dedication, and genuineness he kept my feet firmly planted next to his. I felt anchored. I felt safe.

We treated each other with compassion and respect, with passion and with caring.

We stepped into love simultaneously and we saw, and continue to see each other as equals.

We practice healthy relationship habits

Phil and I have been together for eight years, married for 5. I’m proud of our relationship. We’ve never actually fought. Sure, there have been times we’ve been angry at each other, or inadvertently done things to hurt the other person. We have expressed frustrations, especially after the kids came along.

But we have learned how to communicate with each other very well. We’re flexible with our expectations and work toward increasing each other’s happiness.

I’m his editor when he needs to draft an email or grad school application. He’s my rock when I’m feeling emotional. I make plans and spice up his life, and when I get too carried away with projects, he is the anchor that brings me back down to earth. We’re a good balance and complement each other nicely.

None of this would be possible if we both feared abandonment, or if we hadn’t developed patience, compassion, and communication skills.

The key was that we had both taken time to work on OURSELVES.

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The Role of Media in Finding Your Soulmate

Embed from Getty Images

In the traditional romantic comedy, there is a couple who are clearly destined to be together, but something gets in their way. Ultimately, of course, they overcome that obstacle to get together in the end. Even Disney and traditional (patriarchal) fairy tales present with all kinds of issues for both men and women.

But here’s the issues with why rom-com romance doesn’t work for long-term “soul mate” material in real life.

1. Oversized flaws.

Characters have to have flaws. So do real people, of course, but characters have one or two MASSIVE-sized flaws. It makes for a good story. Reality is not so black and white. Real people have lots of flaws to varying degrees. These character flaws may or may not get resolved by the end of the movie, but if the character continues their relationship without thoroughly examining and working on their flaw, it will likely continue to cause relationships in the future for them, which brings me to my next point.

2. Where does it all end?

Stories have distinct beginnings, middles and ends. For our lives, the end happens when we pass away. Sure there are other important markers throughout our lives, but nothing signifies an end like riding off into the sunset together with a sappy song playing. Get real folks! The story doesn’t end when you overcome the obstacle! There will just be another one down the road!

3. Opposites don’t usually attract in real life. 

If I were in a romantic comedy, I would probably be paired with someone who was shallow, cocky, charming and rude. And extroverted (shoot me now… hey, I actually dated someone like that once!). And the writers would have a fun time making the two of us work things out so we would end up together.

But the truth is:


When you are meant to be with someone, it should be easy. It flows.

It’s easy being with them because you have the skills to communicate and you’re alike enough to know what works best.

How to Find Your Soulmate in Life

Soulmates touching foreheads together

Don’t you want your relationship to be easy? Do you want the other person to complement you, not be like oil and water?

Relationships take time, patience, dedication, compromise, communication, and balance. If you aren’t willing to take the time NOW to figure those things out, then what will that mean to the person you want to spend your life with?

The basic steps you need to find your soul mate are:

  1. Adopt healthy qualities and practices
  2. Be content to be single
  3. Be rooted in abundance
  4. Make changes in your life to widen your scope of people you meet
  5. Keep an open mind
  6. Know when you’ve found someone who could be “the one”
  7. Develop good relationship habits and keep your soulmate with you for life

RELATED: What Does Love Feel Like? 25 Signs You’re In Love!

1. Adopt healthy qualities and practices

Your first step in finding your soulmate should always be to work on yourself. Get ready for some self reflection:

✔ Know who you are (and act authentically)

Authenticity is essential in a relationship.

You need to know your triggers and flaws. There are things that will set you off, and if you expect your significant other not to trip any wires, then hopefully, you’ll know about them and be able to communicate.

Conversely, you need to know what you want in life. What are the good things that you expect? Do you want kids? Are you the kind of person who wants to travel or move around the country? How do you want to live?

Knowing yourself can help the other person get to know you too.

Being inauthentic will push away the right people and bring you closer to the wrong ones.

So know yourself well and make sure you act authentically. Be true to yourself.

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✔ Practice Objectivity and Insight

There is a certain level of objectivity a person needs to be in a committed, long-term relationship. Being explosive or blowing things out of proportion can be seriously detrimental to the health of a relationship.

When you’re objective, you take a step back before reacting. You can look at a situation and try to understand the big question: “why?” Why is my significant other acting this way?

And to answer that question, you need a little bit of insight. Understanding yourself through authenticity can help you understand the behaviors and motivations of others. In Buddhism, understanding and love basically mean the same thing. When you can understand someone, you can love them.

How to Practice Non-Judgmental Mindfulness

✔ Practice Flexibility

Soulmates hugging

Humans are flawed. Life is unpredictable. You might understand yourself and you might understand your significant other, but when events happen or tragedy strikes, you may not know yourself or them anymore. You never know how you (or SO) might react when confronted with an impactful event, either positive or negative.

If you think you know what to expect from that person or from your relationship, keep a healthy amount of flexibility in place for these events.

As much as I would like to stay that my life is 100% stable, the fact is that I’ve had at least five major, life changing events in the last 6 years, including my miscarriage, two children, and two job changes. Those events, four of them planned, rocked my world in a variety of ways.

Be patient with yourself and with your significant other.

✔ Be Dedicated to Happiness to Find Your Soulmate

You need to dedicate yourself to your own happiness. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup. When you’re dedicated to your own happiness first, you don’t need to rely on another person to fulfill that happiness in you.

You can stand on your own but walk together with your significant other through life.

Conversely, if you ignore your significant other’s happiness altogether, it will lead to broken promises and a lot of pain.

It’s a balancing act.

How to Live in the Moment and Be Present
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2. Be content to be single

Give up the unrealistic Hollywood romance. This can lead to heartache in more ways than one.

You have to ultimately be satisfied with yourself as a person and you have to learn to keep yourself company.

After dedicating yourself to your own happiness, then and only then, should you dedicate yourself to the other person’s happiness. Fulfill your happiness first, then the other person’s… when you find them.

3. Be rooted in a growth mindset

This can be somewhat of a challenging concept to grasp. Things that prevent our growth and development as a person can prevent us from finding our soulmate.

Pessimism is one thing that can prevent finding a soulmate. You have to BELIEVE that you’ll find someone. If you don’t believe it, that person might already be in your life and you won’t recognize it because your pessimism is clouding your judgment.

Similarly, perfectionism is detrimental to finding your soulmate. Expecting someone to be perfect is not realistic, just as you should not expect yourself to be perfect.

Growth mindset means that you believe that you can develop skills and hone your talents as you work on them, and this applies to finding your soulmate too.

Use Affirmation Cards for Your Growth Mindset

4. Make changes in your life to widen your scope of people you meet

I had to move 1,200 miles away from my hometown to find my husband — that one person who makes my world light up. Staying in the same bubble, the same routine, the same place does not lend itself to meeting new people.

Here are some ideas for getting out of your same old routine to search for your soulmate:

  1. join a gym
  2. get a new job
  3. join a Meetup somewhere (once the pandemic ends, of course)
  4. try a new sport, especially group sports and coed (if you’re heterosexual)
  5. move to a new apartment complex
  6. move to a new city or state

5. Keep an open mind

Soulmates sitting on a bench

As we saw from my story above, sometimes people who you didn’t think would work for you actually end up being the best for yourself. This may be because of not being clear on traits that you are looking for or expect in your soul mate.

Things that used to be deal breakers for me (not having a career in music) suddenly were no longer important when I learned more about myself and discovered what I truly wanted (adventure, a family, an unconventional life).

Here are some things that might end up being UNIMPORTANT:

  • what they look like
  • what their career is
  • how you met them (in person, online, on Tinder, etc.)

Healthy, loving relationships are the combination of friendship, physical attraction/sex, and love. A healthy relationship cannot exist without one of these elements on some level. So think about these when you’re thinking of the true deal breakers you have.

6. Know when you’ve found “the one”

It’s important to recognize your soulmate when they come along. Here are a few signs you know that you’ve found your soulmate:

You just know. Your instincts tell you they’re the one.

There are not many other explanations that I need to make about this one.

Trust your gut.

You are content to just be with that person just hanging out.

When you have quiet time, sitting on the couch and reading separate books, or washing dishes after dinner, these are the true moments of our lives.

How does quiet time with this person make you feel? Are you comfortable sitting with them in silence? Or do you feel awkward and have a nagging feeling that you need to make constant conversation?

Feeling comfortable in silence with a person can help you determine whether they are a lifelong match for you.

You’re comfortable with each other’s flaws

Like I mentioned above, you cannot be a perfectionist. Understanding and accepting the other person’s flaws is important. For example, being with someone who gets angry often may be a dealbreaker for you. But perhaps you’re okay with someone who is sensitive and emotional.

Accept the other person’s imperfections. After all, you aren’t perfect either!

You share the same life goals.

This seems obvious, but it’s often overlooked.

Do you and your partner both want to settle down in the same place for 30 years or travel and have adventures?
Are you both interested in kids?
Do you want to be a stay-at-home parent or work full time?
What does your partner want or expect?

These are things that can potentially get in the way of a lifelong partnership if you have different expectations. If you can’t see yourself being with them when you’re 50, 60, 70, or 80 years old, they probably aren’t your soulmate.

You don’t experience jealousy.

When the other person needs time with their friends or family, or time alone, you should ideally feel content with that. Experiencing jealousy or feeling a need to control may be a signal that this person really isn’t your soul mate.

You feel deeply safe, protected, and comfortable when you’re with them.

This may be the ultimate thing that tells you they’re the one. Maybe they make you feel like the best version of yourself. Perhaps it’s just that you feel utterly comfortable and safe with them in a way you never have before.

For me, I had never experienced the feeling that my thoughts, feelings, and body were 100% safe with a person. So when my relationship with my husband began, I was blown away.

7. Develop healthy relationship habits

You’ve put in all the work on yourself, now it’s time to devote time and care to your relationship.

Make sure you listen

Just as you’ve learned to listen to yourself, you need to treat your partner with the same kind of respect, value, and appreciation.

Listening to each other (truly listening, without agenda of replying or responding) is a trait of healthy, long lasting relationships.

Schedule dates

Make time for your soulmate. A relationship cannot survive without continued care.

Put it in your schedule when you intend to spend time with them, and don’t bail. Do things that bring you both comfort (like curling up on the couch to watch The Office for the millionth time), but also don’t forget to try new things. When you have shared new experiences with your soulmate, it refreshes your connection in a way that habits and routine cannot.

Forgive and apologize when necessary

Old couple in love

Giving apologies and accepting apologies are important parts of a healthy relationship with your soulmate.

There have both been times when my husband has gotten frustrated and later apologized as well as times when I realized that I was in the wrong and needed to apologize to my husband.

When someone is your true soulmate, they won’t ever do anything to break your trust or disrespect you. But we’re all human, and there may be times when we’re feeling stressed or working through trauma that we need to admit that we’ve made a mistake.

Express Gratitude

Gratitude is all about expressing when you’re feeling appreciative for something in your life. Gratitude can come in many forms, like writing a thank you note, or simply saying, “I love you” at random times during the day.

Be thankful for the positive traits and qualities that this person brings into your life, and they will express their own gratitude for you.

Learn about Love Languages

Everyone expresses their love in different ways.

Perhaps they love holding hands or putting their arms around you, or maybe they love to give gifts. Understanding your soulmate’s love language is a fantastic way to show them appreciation, respect, and love.

Conclusion – Have You Found Your Soulmate?

When learning how to find that one person in life, my answer is to give up society’s foolish expectations and rules. Learn about yourself and learn what you need for a successful relationship. Hopefully your partner will have done the same. And if your partner hasn’t… teach them by being the example they need! Be their soulmate so that they can be yours!

And if you don’t already have a partner, then take these detailed steps to find your soulmate and you’ll be in a healthy, wonderful relationship in no time!

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Finding Your Soulmate: 7 steps to finally find the person you're meant to be with! (Pinterest Image)

How to Find Your Soul Mate in Life!

**Updated April 15, 2021


Friday 11th of February 2022

Well written and gives me a lot of insight and inspiration!!


Thursday 27th of January 2022

I did find my soulmate ..we knew it right away ..we clicked together ..we both had a sense of humor and made each other laugh ..he took me places I never been before ..and didn't know how much I lived the country till I met him ..we always hugged and held hands ..but stupid me I ruined it ..he is a very good looking guy ..and women always stared at him ..which made me jealous to the point where I constantly wanted to know where he was and..I kept questioning him and I drove him crazy ..I wouldn't even let him get his hair cut in a women's salon ..he couldn't take it and left me I ran after him begged him for another chance he would see me here and there and I kept hoping but he found his other ex girlfriend and married her and I haven't heard from him for 15 years ..I cry all the time ..I can't forget him ..and I am so heartbroken ..the only time I heard from him was two years ago when he left a message of a song that was our song ..twice he played it but he never said anything I don't hear from him at all and wonder why did he send me that message I now am trying to find him praying he is not married and got a divorce ..I don't know ..I want him back so much my friends tell me I'm stupid and he probably is still married ..I don't know what to do please help me

Dawn Perez

Friday 28th of January 2022

I'm so sorry you're experiencing such pain right now. I strongly believe that in order to make things work with our soulmate, we also have to do the work on ourselves. You said that it was your jealousy that drove him away, and I think it's good that you've taken ownership of that. Have you taken a look inside yourself to see where the jealousy came from? Was it because you didn't trust him? Or you didn't trust others? Was there infidelity that happened in a past relationship that made you feel that this could have also happened with him?

I have another question for you. Do you feel that you will only be happy if you're with him? (I think that's what your friends mean by calling you stupid--not that you're actually stupid, but that you don't need him to be worthy.) Because in my case, when I was able to realize that I didn't need a man to be happy, that was when I found my soulmate! I think if you work on your own self-worth and self-love you'll start to see that your life is worth living to the fullest even if you're not with him.

Since he contacted you 2 years ago, it's possible that he still thinks of you and still has feelings for you. But because of everything that happened in the past, he is probably very hesitant to maintain contact with you.

TL;DR: Work on your self-love and begin to see yourself as worthwhile to pursue your best life without him. It's possible that in the future, he might be available and want to talk to you, OR! maybe you'll meet someone even better who lights your soul on fire! Good luck!


Tuesday 12th of October 2021



Wednesday 11th of May 2022

@Cailin, SAME HERE...Let’s PRAY tru our God that sooner or later, WE cross our path with our Soulmate, amen!

Airah Din

Friday 1st of October 2021

Thank you xxx


Saturday 14th of August 2021

I think I've already found my soulmate and messed it up so bad. I had lots of chances to fix things and made a mess of it. We now don't talk at all. Will he come back to me if he's really the one???

Dawn Perez

Saturday 14th of August 2021

Sometimes we find the right person at the wrong time. We both have other lessons to learn and journeys to make before we can have a healthy relationship with our soulmate. You have to keep working on yourself and trust that he is also working on himself so that you'll be able to find each other at the RIGHT time for the both of you. But yes, it's absolutely still possible that you will end up together! Have faith, and keep working on being your best person for YOU.

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