How to Find Your Soulmate in 7 Steps (And What to Avoid)

Soulmates staring into each other's eyes.

How to Find Your Soulmate in Life!

Don’t we all want to find that one person who brings us joy and helps quell our sorrows? I think probably most people want to find a soulmate in life.

How many people out there have heard any of the following:

  • “There’s someone out there who’s perfect for you, you just need to find them.”
  • “Good riddance, that person wasn’t right for you. Now you can find the one for you.”
  • “Everyone has a soul mate.”

Unfortunately, in our society, we grow up thinking we have a right to have this kind of joy and connection. We’re ENTITLED to a Cinderella romance complete with a prince who pursues you. It’s just THERE for the taking.

Finding your soulmate IS possible!

BUT we aren’t just entitled to it.

It takes a lot of hard work and self-reflection to find your soulmate. Are you willing to put in the time and effort to find your true soulmate?

The basic steps you need to find your soul mate are:

  1. Adopt healthy qualities and practices
  2. Be content to be single
  3. Be rooted in abundance
  4. Make changes in your life to widen your scope of people you meet
  5. Keep an open mind
  6. Know when you’ve found someone who could be “the one”
  7. Develop healthy relationship habits and keep your soulmate with you for life

So let’s go understand a little more about finding your soulmate!

What is a soulmate?

A soulmate someone who you have an effortless connection with. They understand you, love you, and are there to walk with you through life, side by side.

Having said that, there are a few more distinctions we need to make. We’ll get there at the end of the article (Signs you’ve found your soul mate) so first, let’s read a personal story, things to avoid, and list some steps that YOU can take to find your own soulmate.

Finding My Own Soulmate

I worked on myself first

I first met the one when I was married to someone else. After two years cleaning up my act and leaving a toxic work environment, I did not realize that my home environment was toxic as well. I had worked on my communication skills, tried hard to compromise, found a good system of organization, managed my time well. 

And I was insanely frustrated by how my then-husband and I never seemed to be on the same page in life. I was ready for kids, for adventure, for a house, for more furry, four-legged children to add love to my home. He was ready for none of it, he had only had a steady income for 2 years (out of the 6 years we had been together after college) and was unemployed at the time.

I changed my surroundings & kept an open mind

But I pushed for change and we moved to a different state for a new job.

So when I met my new coworker, Phil, we were just friends for a long time. In fact, he was not someone I would have considered dating for most of my life. (We joke that he checked off EVERYTHING on my “NO” list: he is a percussionist/drummer, sang tenor, and was a music major/band director.)

We wanted the same things

As Phil and I grew closer and I felt that he was truly someone that I could trust and confide in. He was patient and understanding. He was exactly where I was in life, and wanted the same things, which absolutely SHOCKED me! It made me realize that I truly had been settling when I married my first husband–there WERE indeed men out there who shared all the same values and desires in life that I did.

I was content being single

I had filed for divorce from my first husband, but I was not ready to dive headfirst into a new relationship. Even though I ultimately wanted a relationship, I knew that I would truly be content to be single for a while. And I knew that if it didn’t work out with Phil, that I would ultimately be much happier than I had been in my first marriage.

I just “knew”

It wasn’t until a few months later that Phil and I started to see each other romantically. He was patient… he was confident, make no mistake, but he respected my space after my divorce. When we took a road trip together four months after we had been together, I was absolutely sure that he was “the one” (and he was sure too!)

Because of his kindness, caring, dedication, and genuineness he kept my feet firmly planted next to his. I felt anchored. I felt safe.

We treated each other with compassion and respect, with passion and with caring.

We stepped into love simultaneously and we saw, and continue to see each other as equals.

My soulmate and I, with our two young boys. Photo by Joe Craven, Cox Arboretum, Dayton Ohio, June 2020.
Photo credit: Joe Craven, Dayton, OH

We practice healthy relationship habits

Phil and I have been together for seven years, married for 4. I’m proud of our relationship. We’ve never fought. Not once. Sure, there have been times we’ve been angry at each other, or inadvertently done things to hurt the other person. We have expressed frustrations, especially after the kids came along.

But we have learned how to communicate with each other very well. We’re flexible with our expectations and work toward increasing each other’s happiness.

I’m his editor when he needs to draft an email or grad school application. He’s my rock when I’m feeling emotional. I make plans and spice up his life, and when I get too carried away with projects, he is the anchor that brings me back down to earth. We’re a good balance and complement each other nicely.

None of this would be possible if we both feared abandonment, or if we hadn’t developed patience, compassion, and communication skills.

The key was that we had both taken time to work on OURSELVES.

Related
How to Manifest a Healthy, Loving Relationship

The Role of Media, or, Don’t Compare Your Life to Hollywood

In the traditional romantic comedy, there is a couple who are clearly destined to be together, but something gets in their way. Ultimately, of course, they overcome that obstacle to get together in the end.

But here’s the issues with why rom-com romance doesn’t work for long-term “soul mate” material in real life.

1. Oversized flaws.

Characters have to have flaws. So do real people, of course, but characters have one or two MASSIVE-sized flaws. It makes for a good story. Reality is not so black and white. Real people have lots of flaws to varying degrees. These character flaws may or may not get resolved by the end of the movie, but if the character continues their relationship without thoroughly examining and working on their flaw, it will likely continue to cause relationships in the future for them, which brings me to my next point.

2. Where does it all end?

Stories have distinct beginnings, middles and ends. For our lives, the end happens when we pass away. Sure there are other important markers throughout our lives, but nothing signifies an end like riding off into the sunset together with a sappy song playing. Get real folks! The story doesn’t end when you overcome the obstacle! There will just be another one down the road!

3. Opposites don’t usually attract in real life. 

If I were in a romantic comedy, I would probably be paired with someone who was shallow, cocky, charming and rude. And extroverted (shoot me now… hey, I actually dated someone like that once!). And the writers would have a fun time making the two of us work things out so we would end up together.

But the truth is:

LIFE SHOULDN’T BE THAT DIFFICULT.

When you are meant to be with someone, it should be easy. It flows.

It’s easy being with them because you have the skills to communicate and you’re alike enough to know what works best.

Related
Why I Wear Only a Wedding Band, and It’s Okay If You Want to, too!

How to Find Your Soulmate in Life

Don’t you want your relationship to be easy? Do you want the other person to complement you, not be like oil and water?

Relationships take time, patience, dedication, compromise, communication, and balance. If you aren’t willing to take the time NOW to figure those things out, then what will that mean to the person you want to spend your life with?

The basic steps you need to find your soul mate are:

  1. Adopt healthy qualities and practices
  2. Be content to be single
  3. Be rooted in abundance
  4. Make changes in your life to widen your scope of people you meet
  5. Keep an open mind
  6. Know when you’ve found someone who could be “the one”
  7. Develop good relationship habits and keep your soulmate with you for life

1. Adopt healthy qualities and practices

Your first step in finding your soulmate should always be to work on yourself. Get ready for some self reflection:

✔ Know who you are (and act authentically)

Knowing who you are authentically will help you find your soulmate

Authenticity is essential in a relationship.

You need to know your triggers and flaws. There are things that will set you off, and if you expect your significant other not to trip any wires, then hopefully, you’ll know about them and be able to communicate.

Conversely, you need to know what you want in life. What are the good things that you expect? Do you want kids? Are you the kind of person who wants to travel or move around the country? How do you want to live?

Knowing yourself can help the other person get to know you too.

Being inauthentic will push away the right people and bring you closer to the wrong ones.

So know yourself well and make sure you act authentically. Be true to yourself.

✔ Objectivity and Insight

There is a certain level of objectivity a person needs to be in a committed, long-term relationship. Being explosive or blowing things out of proportion can be seriously detrimental to the health of a relationship.

When you’re objective, you take a step back before reacting. You can look at a situation and try to understand the big question: “why?” Why is my significant other acting this way?

And to answer that question, you need a little bit of insight. Understanding yourself through authenticity can help you understand the behaviors and motivations of others. In Buddhism, understanding and love basically mean the same thing. When you can understand someone, you can love them.

✔ Flexibility

Humans are flawed. Life is unpredictable. You might understand yourself and you might understand your significant other, but when events happen or tragedy strikes, you may not know yourself or them anymore. You never know how you (or SO) might react when confronted with an impactful event, either positive or negative.

If you think you know what to expect from that person or from your relationship, keep a healthy amount of flexibility in place for these events.

As much as I would like to stay that my life is 100% stable, the fact is that I’ve had at least five major, life changing events in the last 6 years, including my miscarriage, two children, and two job changes. Those events, four of them planned, rocked my world in a variety of ways.

Be patient with yourself and with your significant other.

✔ Dedication to Happiness

You need to dedicate yourself to your own happiness. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup. When you’re dedicated to your own happiness first, you don’t need to rely on another person to fulfill that happiness in you.

You can stand on your own but walk together with your significant other through life.

Conversely, if you ignore your significant other’s happiness altogether, it will lead to broken promises and a lot of pain.

It’s a balancing act.

2. Be content to be single

Give up the unrealistic Hollywood romance. This can lead to heartache.

You have to ultimately be satisfied with yourself as a person and you have to learn to keep yourself company.

After dedicating yourself to your own happiness, then and only then, should you dedicate yourself to the other person’s happiness. Fulfill your happiness first, then the other person’s… when you find them.

3. Be rooted in a growth mindset

This can be somewhat of a challenging concept to grasp. Things that prevent our growth and development as a person can prevent us from finding our soulmate.

Pessimism is one thing that can prevent finding a soulmate. You have to BELIEVE that you’ll find someone. If you don’t believe it, that person might already be in your life and you won’t recognize it because your pessimism is clouding your judgment.

Similarly, perfectionism is detrimental to finding your soulmate. Expecting someone to be perfect

4. Make changes in your life to widen your scope of people you meet

I had to move 1,200 miles away from my hometown to find my husband/soulmate. Staying in the same bubble, the same routine, the same place does not lend itself to meeting new people. Here are some ideas for getting out of your same old routine:

  1. join a gym
  2. get a new job
  3. join a Meetup somewhere (once the pandemic ends, of course)
  4. try a new sport, especially group sports and coed (if you’re heterosexual)
  5. move to a new apartment complex
  6. move to a new city or state

5. Keep an open mind

As we saw from my story above, sometimes people who you didn’t think would work for you actually end up being the best for yourself. This may be because of not being clear on traits that you are looking for or expect in your soul mate.

Things that used to be deal breakers for me (not having a career in music) suddenly were no longer important when I learned more about myself and discovered what I truly wanted (adventure, a family, an unconventional life).

Here are some things that might end up being UNIMPORTANT:

  • what they look like
  • what their career is
  • how you met them (in person, online, on Tinder, etc.)

Healthy, loving relationships are the combination of friendship, physical attraction/sex, and love. A healthy relationship cannot exist without one of these elements on some level. So think about these when you’re thinking of the true deal breakers you have.

6. Know when you’ve found someone who could be “the one”

It’s important to recognize your soulmate when they come along. Here are a few signs you know that you’ve found the one:

You just know. Your instincts tell you they’re the one.

There are not many other explanations that I need to make about this one.

Trust your gut.

You are content to just be with that person just hanging out.

When you have quiet time, sitting on the couch and reading separate books, or washing dishes after dinner, these are the true moments of our lives.

How does quiet time with this person make you feel? Are you comfortable sitting with them in silence? Or do you feel awkward and have a nagging feeling that you need to make constant conversation?

Feeling comfortable in silence with a person can help you determine whether they are a lifelong match for you.

You’re comfortable with each other’s flaws

Like I mentioned above, you cannot be a perfectionist. Understanding and accepting the other person’s flaws is important. For example, being with someone who gets angry often may be a dealbreaker for you. But perhaps you’re okay with someone who is sensitive and emotional.

Accept the other person’s imperfections. After all, you aren’t perfect either!

You share the same life goals.

This seems obvious, but it’s often overlooked.

Do you and your partner both want to settle down in the same place for 30 years or travel and have adventures?
Are you both interested in kids?
Do you want to be a stay-at-home parent or work full time?
What does your partner want or expect?

These are things that can potentially get in the way of a lifelong partnership if you have different expectations. If you can’t see yourself being with them when you’re 50, 60, 70, or 80 years old, they probably aren’t your soulmate.

You don’t experience jealousy.

When the other person needs time with their friends or family, or time alone, you should ideally feel content with that. Experiencing jealousy or feeling a need to control may be a signal that this person really isn’t your soul mate.

You feel deeply safe, protected, and comfortable when you’re with them.

This may be the ultimate thing that tells you they’re the one. Maybe they make you feel like the best version of yourself. Perhaps it’s just that you feel utterly comfortable and safe with them in a way you never have before.

For me, I had never experienced the feeling that my thoughts, feelings, and body were 100% safe with a person. So when my relationship with my husband began, I was blown away.

7. Develop healthy relationship habits

You’ve put in all the work on yourself, now it’s time to devote time and care to your relationship.

Make sure you listen

Just as you’ve learned to listen to yourself, you need to treat your partner with the same kind of respect, value, and appreciation.

Listening to each other (truly listening, without agenda of replying or responding) is a trait of healthy, long lasting relationships.

Schedule dates

Make time for your soulmate. A relationship cannot survive without continued care.

Put it in your schedule when you intend to spend time with them, and don’t bail. Do things that bring you both comfort (like curling up on the couch to watch The Office for the millionth time), but also don’t forget to try new things. When you have shared new experiences with your soulmate, it refreshes your connection in a way that habits and routine cannot.

Knowing important healthy relationship habits like listening is an important step in finding your soulmate.

Forgive and apologize when necessary

Giving apologies and accepting apologies are important parts of a healthy relationship with your soulmate.

There have both been times when my husband has gotten frustrated and later apologized as well as times when I realized that I was in the wrong and needed to apologize to my husband.

When someone is your true soulmate, they won’t ever do anything to break your trust or disrespect you. But we’re all human, and there may be times when we’re feeling stressed or working through trauma that we need to admit that we’ve made a mistake.

Express Gratitude

Gratitude is all about expressing when you’re feeling appreciative for something in your life. Gratitude can come in many forms, like writing a thank you note, or simply saying, “I love you” at random times during the day.

Be thankful for the positive traits and qualities that this person brings into your life, and they will express their own gratitude for you.

Learn about Love Languages

Everyone expresses their love in different ways.

Perhaps they love holding hands or putting their arms around you, or maybe they love to give gifts. Understanding your soulmate’s love language is a fantastic way to show them appreciation, respect, and love.

Conclusion

When learning how to find your soulmate in life, my answer is to give up society’s foolish expectations and rules. Learn about yourself and learn what you need for a successful relationship. Hopefully your partner will have done the same. And if your partner hasn’t… teach them by being the example they need! Be their soulmate so that they can be yours!

READ MORE:
How to Be a More Supportive Partner In Tough Times

How to Find Your Soulmate in Life!

2 thoughts on “How to Find Your Soulmate in 7 Steps (And What to Avoid)”

    1. Hey Amber! So from my understanding, a twin flame is kind of a soulmate on steroids. It’s the belief that a person’s soul is like yin and yang with another. Twin flames are very different from each other and can often have a lot of conflict at the beginning of a relationship until they find a good balance. (But this relationship isn’t toxic or detrimental.)

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *